Book Review: Dual Attraction: Understanding Bisexuality by Weinberg, Williams and Pryor

By Mister Curie

For my studies of bisexuality, another book has been influential and I wanted to introduce it before delving into the details in future posts. 

"Dual Attraction: Understanding Bisexuality" is a highly scientific book and largely reads like a particularly long scientific article, complete with tables and graphs.  It is based on a sociological observation study of self-labelled bisexuals living in San Francisco in the early 1980's.  The authors note that according to the Kinsey report, "nearly half of all men in the United States are not exclusively heterosexual or homosexual in their sexual feelings or behaviors" and that "most persons in the United States who behave bisexually do not adopt a bisexual identity."  In contrast, this report studies people who do self-label as bisexual, and thus may not be generalizable outside of self-labeled bisexuals or even outside of bisexuals living in San Francisco in the 1980's.  Of course, in my future posts I will ignore this as I try to generalize the information to my own situation and determine if the label bisexual seems to fit my situation and if it conveys the message I am trying to send.

The study began with observation and interviews with members of the San Francisco Bisexual Center.  In order to compare their observations of bisexuals with heterosexuals and homosexuals, the team utilized the information they gathered at the Bisexual Center to create an extensive questionnaire that was mailed to heterosexuals, bisexuals, and homosexuals identified through other San Francisco organizations, The Pacific Center for homosexuals and the San Franscisco Sex Information Service and the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality for heterosexuals.  The information was all gathered largely before the AIDS crisis, which erupted while they were compiling their initial results.  They decided to return to San Francisco to do a follow-up study on the impact of AIDS on bisexuals in San Francisco.

The book is largely a sociology study and does not attempt to integrate biology with the observations.  The authors specifically note that "the approach we take, in contrast to the biological one, emphasizes the standpoint of the people we are examining and tried to capture how they construct their sexual lives."  As a biologist myself, I found the book illuminating due to its alternative perspective as well as occassionally misguided due to its failure to take biological explanations into consideration.  As it was an observational study, the researchers emphasized behaviors, although they tried to account for self-reported feelings (sexuals and romantic) using the Kinsey scale.  The authors treated each number on the Kinsey scale as a discrete category and when comparing sequential Kinsey scale rankings by the same person, the authors noted changes in Kinsey scale.  Examining the data showed most changes were small, perhaps due to changes in interpretation of the meaning of numbers on the Kinsey scale rather than actual changes in Kinsey scale rankings, however the authors considered any change in Kinsey scale number as highly important. The emphasis on specific Kinsey scale numbers and behavior resulted in reports of the ability to change one's sexual orientation, which I don't think most of the study participants would agree with.

For me the most valuable part of the study is the rich demographic information collected from homosexuals, bisexuals, and heterosexuals.  This data provides a quantifiable description of the different categories that I can compare myself to.  It also provides data to refute or support the myths of bisexuality.  The data also enables me to compare the perceptions of bisexuality with its reality, enabling me to see what messages I am sending about myself with the bisexual label.

Book Review: "Bi America: Myths, Truths, and Struggles of an Invisible Community"

By Mister Curie

"Bi America" was  written by William E. Burleson and published in 2005.  William Burleson is bisexual and had been publicly involved in bisexual politics for nearly 15 years when his book was published.  The book is filled with quotes from bisexuals which come from the Bi History Project in Minnesota, personal interviews conducted by Mr. Burleson, and a bisexual online support group.  Mr. Burleson also collected data from an online survey of bisexuals.

Mr. Burleson heavily relies on the stories of others to document bisexuals living in America.  In the introduction he states, "What is important are the stories of living people, living their lives.  That is what I set out to do with this project: tell our story. . . I believe what really matters are the people and their stories . . . Bi people, as is true of many other groups, are often reduced to stereotypes.  I hope to reduce bisexuality to its humanity."

I felt the overriding theme throughout this book revolves around the word "community."  What is a community?  What is the bisexual community?  What does it look like?  Where can it be found?  Mr. Burleson explores bisexual communities across America and reports on the stories of the individuals composing those communities, creating a landscape of bisexuals in America.  He concludes with an exploration of how the internet has shaped the bisexual community and what the future holds for the bisexual community.

Many times throughout the book, I found myself reflecting on the MoHo community and asking myself the same questions of the MoHo community that Mr. Burleson was trying to answer about American bisexual communities.  Mr. Burleson defines a community as a "functional group brought together by commonalities and sharing a culture of some kind to some degree."  For there to be a community, people must feel a part of that community, and the community is known to outsiders through its institutions.  It seems to me that the MoHo community is largely held together by the MoHo directory, which is a primary source for visibility to those outside the community and is a very visible reminder of those who belong to the MoHo community. Another defining institution of the MoHo community is the monthly meet-ups hosted by Scott and Sarah, which have expanded to other regular MoHo meet-ups that I am aware of in the Northwest and Northeast.   I believe one of the intentions of the MoHo Map is to help to organize such meet-ups in resonable geographic areas. The MoHo facebook group provides an online gathering place.

I think one reason the book caused me to reflect so much on the MoHo community was due to its use of stories to illustrate the rich diversity of  American bisexual  communities.  I have similarly  come to know the  MoHo community through its stories, shared on its blogs.  The MoHo community has been, and continues to be, an open and inviting place where I can share my story and compare it to the stories of others as I seek to understand who I am.  It was within the MoHo community that I finally found stories of others that paralleled mine, stories that resonated with my experiences and stories that provide me with insight and  guidance as I forge a path forward.  These were stories that let me know I was not alone in being attracted to men, that let me know my interpretations and responses to those feelings were normal within the Mormon worldview I held, that let me know that other men who are attracted to men also get married to women for a variety of reasons and sometimes before they come out to themselves about their attractions to men.

So I think it is only natural that in my sincere attempts to contemplate the bisexual orientation I would  find a  collection of bisexual stories against which to compare my story and experiences to see if it resonates with me.  References to this book will be frequent in future blog posts, time permitting, that contemplate bisexuality.

Book Review: In Quiet Desperation

By Mister Curie

A variety of factors compelled me to read this book.  First, a number of the reviews for "8" have said that the Matis family is misrepresented and their words taken out of context in the documentary, so in preparing to watch "8" I wanted to know their story and the actual context of their words.  Second, the fireside in Idaho Falls with Ty Mansfield as featured speaker made me want to know what Ty Mansfield had to say about homosexuality/SSA/SGA.  Third, my meet-up with Horizon produced such an emotional reaction (largely related to the evilness/brokenness that I felt growing up in the church) that I wanted to see if the book would produce a similar reaction and force myself to confront those feelings and analyze through them.  Fourth, I am contemplating coming out to my parents on an upcoming trip and I'd like to recommend something for them to read, so I was reading this book to see if it would be suitable to recommend to them to give them a positive view of homosexuality without leaving the Mormon worldview too much.

Part I - This section of the book was written by the parents of Stuart Matis.  Frankly, I found this section very poorly written and I bristled at the condescending tone I perceived throughout the section (such as when they said, "It is vitally important to distinguish between the feelings of attraction and the choice to act - or refrain from acting - on those feelings").  I viewed its words as pure poison and quite offensive.  It was clear that Fred and Marilyn Matis are firmly within the Mormon worldview.  I found myself crying for Stuart and his struggles.  This section brought up the same feelings as I had after my visit with Horizon and I better understood where those feelings of evilness/brokenness came from.  I found it very offensive that Stuart's parents knew he had purchased a gun and did not really try to help him.  They even admit that the suicide was not a surprise, but rather they "knew he would eventually take his own life."  And yet they didn't do anything about it!?!?!?  I felt discouraged that the Mormon worldview causes Mormon homosexuals to experience such hope that those feelings will be removed in the resurrection and to feel so discouraged and such inferiority that they shorten their life through suicide.  It was heart-breaking to read the suicide note proclaiming that in "remov[ing] the chains of mortality. . . I no longer hate myself . . . for the first time in over twenty years, I am free from my pains."  The only thing making it worse was his parents' statement that "it has been comforting to know that he was faithful to his temple covenants" and that they had an "indescribable feeling of peace that lasted for several weeks" that they imagined would be the feelings they would have in the celestial kingdom. I am sure that the Matis family is very sincere and I have heard of the many great things they have done to try and help the Mormon homosexual community.  I do not fault them for their actions within the Mormon worldview, but I think the Mormon view of homosexuality is tragically flawed and its doctrine on homosexuality creates an atmosphere that directly creates the feelings of despair and inferiority.

Part 2 - This section was written by Ty Mansfield.  In direct contrast with the Matis section, Ty's writing is excellent.  He is eloquent, nuanced, and articulate.  Ty clearly brings a very personal perspective to the topic of being a Mormon homosexual and does a fantastic job of portraying a sincere, wonderful Mormon boy which should go along way toward removing stigma and destroying stereotypes regarding other Mormon homosexuals.  Ty's fluency with and mastery of the religious material clearly shows his spiritual dedication and personal struggles with the topic.  His ease of including numerous religious quotes throughout the text and his solid alignment with current LDS stances clearly qualify him as a "spiritual giant".  And yet his beautiful presentation does not change the fact that the LDS stance is psychological poison, it only makes this poison all the more insidious.  Ty masterfully walks the line of presenting a realistic view of the Mormon homosexual dilemma and reiterating the LDS stance, which only serves to exacerbate the false dichotomy of attraction vs. behavior.  Time and again, Ty presents the Mormon homosexual dilemma and then performs a spiritual jujitsu to masterfully lock the struggling Mormon homosexual into the icy prison of LDS thought.  Ty's message is ultimately inconsistent and confusing.  In one section he describes the absolute normalcy of his attractions to men and how they do not constitute sin or lack of spirituality (in fact noting that his attractions grew stronger as he attempted to be more spiritual) and in another section he positively quotes a theologian describing homosexuality as an "anti-religion of human beings who refuse to honor God as creator: it is an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual reality . . . an illustration of human depravity . . . a vivid image of humanity's primal rejection of the sovereignty of God the creator."  He winds through the convoluted Mormon doctrine of the fall to illustrate how one can be born with homosexuality without having been made that way by God.  It was sad to read his continued pleas for a change of his nature, stating "I hope he does deliver me from the physical bondage of this challenge while I am in this second estate . . . For the time being, I continue to pray and am striving to live so that the part of my nature that is important for salvation now may be more full changed - so that I may be more fully delivered from spiritual bondage."  Nearly every chapter contains Ty's hope to one day be able to marry a woman, largely due to Mormon doctrine.  He notes several times that he could very naturally and happily have a relationship with a man, if it weren't for the doctrine of eternal families and how he doesn't want to waste his effort on something that isn't eternal.  I fear for the struggling Mormon homosexual who hears Ty's yearnings for marriage to a women and knows that he was successful.  How many MOM's will this book directly contribute to and how much suffering will it create?  How much more happiness would there be if Ty could just marry whomever he wanted? Ty's doctrinal wanderings are not new.  He takes the oft repeated sermons of modern Mormonism (often about patience with the Lord's timing, the purposes of trials and challenges in our lives, etc.) and repackages them to comment on homosexuality.  He divorces such statements from context and synthesizes a new reality.  In fact, it is a masterful example of the thesis in "Roots of Modern Mormonism" where the author argues that Mormonism creates a mutable, flexible worldview that insulates its participants from acknowledging the randomness and constant change in their lives while perpetuating minority status. The sermons and the thoughts behind them are part of the Mormonism I rejected and I reject Ty's repackaging of them.

The book's (and Mormonism) attempt at divorcing homosexual attraction from homosexual behavior as a means to identify what is acceptable and what is not, is also an exercise in coping with stigma.  This dichotomy attempts to make faithful Mormon homosexuals who do not act on their attractions and privileged class while non-Mormon homosexuals who do act on their attractions are a foreign "other".  In "When Husbands Come Out of the Closet" the author addresses this type of dichotomy in referring to a wife's refusal to join a support group for wives with gay husbands because it is a "bunch of people with nothing in common but a husband's sexual orientation . . . [and will just be] a bunch of angry women feeding into each others' complaints and misery."  I feel her answer would be the same if addressing this Mormon dichotomy and attempting to create a privileged faithful Mormon homosexual class and a foreign "other" class acting on their attractions.  She says:

1. Whether you like it or not, no matter how you try to deny it or how quickly you try to leave it, you have been thrust into a stigmatized segment of society.  No matter what you say or do, there will always be people who think less of you for being or having been there.  You have no choice about stigmatization by others.  You can only ignore them or try to educate them.
2. You may refuse to admit group membership, but that does not give you the choice you seek, for much of your prison is a self-imposed, psychological one.  Your questions and the attitudes they imply are the true badge of membership in the Society of the Self-Stigmatized.  You badge bears the inscription "Bestowed by the bigoted in appreciation for your self-hatred and identification with the aggressor."
3. You will lose your sense of stigma and have true "choice" only when you come to see your group as an enjoyable extended family or country club you are pleased to call your own, in which you feel welcome, in which you can be selective about those members you want or don't want as friends, and which you both enter and leave freely and joyfully.

Are you saying to yourself, "Oh, come on now! Are you kidding me?" I am not.  It's a difficult lesson to learn, because in truth, it is one that should not be needed.  But until we have a perfect society, many groups of people must learn it.  Let's look at what has happened to you, it involves several complicated thought processes.

First, you are a member in good standing of a homophobic . . . society.  No matter what your sex or sexual orientation, you have absorbed many of society's stereotypes about homosexuals, women, and anyone who associates with stigmatized people. You expressed those stereotypes when you first struggled with such questions as "What does it say about me that I am in such a situation and what will others say about me?", came up with negative answers, and began to lose self-esteem.

Next you realized that you . . . do not fit some of those stereotypes.  How could that be?  Perhaps without realizing it, you decided that you were an exception.  That made you feel better.  But then, of course, you didn't want to be classified as one of "them", nor did you want to think of yourself in the same way that you think of "those weirdos."  . . . You are now putting yourself through a crazy combination of bigotry and self hatred.  . . . Staying at that point is like being stuck in quicksand.  It drags you down.  You never quite get rid of your sense of shame, isolation, and sense of "difference".  You never get the support, help and companionship from potential new friends. You are caught between two worlds.

In short, ironic as it may be, you need the identification with the stigmatized group in order to rid yourself of your sense of stigma.  Only when you learn that lesson will you learn that far from being chained to a group of disreputable prisoners, you will have much in common with others in addition to the issue of sexual orientation, and that much of what you have in common you can share with pride.

This dichotomy then, in fact, again institutionalizes a stigmatization that separates and isolates gay Mormons, leading to further feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred.  Ty Mansfield is simply a vehicle to perpetuate that stigmatization with the message coming from a credible source (unlike the Fred and Marilyn Matis).  It is sad that Ty is a casualty of the same system that he is perpetuating, but that is the cycle of Mormonism.  I do not doubt the absolute sincerity of the authors, but sincerity is not evidence of accuracy.

As for sharing this book with my parents, not a chance.  It is pure poison.  I would definitely not recommend anyone giving this book to their parents.  The dichotomy it perpetuates is like giving away the keys to your own prison.

Book Review: When Husbands Come Out of the Closet by Jean Schaar Gochros, PhD

By Mister Curie

I have been posting recommendations in comments across the MoHosphere for people in Mixed-Orientation Marriages to read this book since I got it from the local LGBT library.  Now that I've finished it, I figured I should just do a book review blog post on it.

I think this book should seriously be required reading for both partners in a mixed-orientation marriage as well as for any MoHos considering a mixed-orientation marriage and their prospective partners.  It would also be a great book to share with friends and family who know about your mixed-orientation marriage and form your support network.  It has something for everyone.  Madam Curie has already agreed to read it and I am looking forward to discussing it with her.

From nearly the first pages, the book spoke to me.  I recognized my marriage in those pages, I saw myself in the descriptions of the husbands, I saw my wife in the descriptions of the wives, and conversely I saw myself in the descriptions of the wives when it came to Madame Curie's sexual orientation.  And when the author began to describe the types of experiences spouses have when their husband comes out of the closet, I saw our experiences clearly mirrored in the book, with quote after quote from other couples that were nearly verbatim from our own mouths as they described our situation.  The author then analyzes the different types of experiences wives have when their husband comes out of the closet and suggests reasons for those experiences.  In each instance that mirrored our own experience, her analysis was right on

I think the book offers a lot to the mixed-orientation marriage couple. (1) You will recognize your marriage in the descriptions, providing relief that you are not alone in this struggle and feel like someone understands you.  (2) You will find insight into why certain aspects of the coming out have gone over well and why other parts have been . . . rocky . . . (3) You will find simple, yet convincing, suggestions on how to improve the inevitable rough spots that mixed-orientation marriages go through.  (4) The book is written from a very supportive viewpoint that mixed-orientation marriages can succeed and that more of them should be able to succeed than currently do with tons of advice gathered from interviews with over 100 couples in mixed-orientation marriages.  For me, I think the most useful parts of the book are the several chapters of suggestions gathered from interviewees.

Although written in accessible language, some readers may find the book a little too academic, however that spoke to my scientific nature.  I also recently read Amity Pierce Buxton's "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families" which I also recommend, although not as highly.  I felt like Buxton's book focused so much on the details of the personal narratives that I didn't really recognize my own marriage in those stories.  Furthermore, Buxton's analysis is disjointed and gets lost behind all of the stories.  Gochros, on the other hand, maintains a very strong voice throughout her book, using small excerpts and selected quotes to illustrate her analysis, rather than presenting an exhaustive narrative for each interviewee.  I also felt that Buxton presents the problems and issues, but fails to offer many suggestions, whereas Gochros offers very clear suggestions on how to improve the situation in mixed-orientation marriages.  Gochros also has a Q&A section to her book with common FAQs that felt relevant to me.  Ultimately, I felt that Gochros offers a view of hope for mixed-orientation marriages with practical advice on how to achieve success, while Buxton describes the train wreck when mixed-orientation marriages fail (speaking of, Buxton's book should probably also be required reading for MoHos considering a mixed-orientation marriage and their prospective partners).

Have any of you read either of these books?  What do you think of them?  Did they help you (and spouse, if relevant)?