Update

By Mister Curie

After coming out to my immediate family about no longer believing in the church and also about being attracted to men, I have noticed some interesting changes in my life. Many of these changes are due to the relatively positive response I received from my family when I came out.  First, coming out has created some space in my life to be myself  without worrying about the response of others and that has removed a good deal of angst and urgency, both of which were contributing to my need to blog. Second, I have been able to work on decompartmentalizing much of my life and thus have been posting more on facebook, broadcasting my lack of Mormon beliefs and interest in LGBT themes in a non-anonymous fashion.  Third, with outing myself to those that matter most in my life, gay  and Mormon issues have taken a backseat in my life as of late and other aspects of my life that I was ignoring have demanded attention after their long neglect (essentially, I had a meeting with my PhD thesis committee and they feel I am ready to graduate, which means I need to finish up my research ASAP and write hundreds of pages for my thesis before May. My research has also become very interesting lately with obtaining some  knock-out mice of the gene I am studying and having multiple avenues of my research all beginning to converge).  Things are going well and my list of topics to blog about keeps getting longer and longer, but I have not had the time to address them in an adequate manner.  As I often found when I regularly kept a journal, right when there are things to write about, I am doing so many things that I don't have time to write about them.

Thus, I am happy to have a place to blog to process through things and I am not going away, but I can't guarantee that blog posts will be regular and/or frequent.  If you  would like more frequent updates on my life, I encourage you to 'friend' me on facebook.  I have added a facebook widget on the sidebar. Also, rather than holding on to the list of things I have done that each deserve a blog post waiting for enough time to do each one justice, I will list them in this update and perhaps future blog posts will expand on some of them, although I am sure there will be future things to blog about in addition, so no guarantees.

In chronological order, some important events since coming out to my family:

1. One of  my younger brothers came to visit and we took a trip to NYC, where we saw Wicked, had an enjoyable dinner with Horizon, and stayed overnight at his apartment.
2. Summer trip to Rehoboth, an LGBT-friendly area, and took a stroll down  to the gay  beach
3. Family trip to the Catholic Marianist retreat center which further confirmed my agnostic/atheist belief system
4. MoHo East party at Horizon's apartment over Labor Day weekend, where I first met David Baker, Clark,  Michael, and several other MoHos.
5. Watched some of Clark's YouTube videos. I want to watch more.
6. Also watched some of the MorMen videos.  Again,  there are more of these that I'd love to watch.
7. OutFest 2010 party in Philadelphia, National Coming Out Day
8. General Conference - Boyd K. Packer, need I say more?
9. Read several LGBT nonfiction books from the University library,definitely want to do some book reviews on my blog.
10. Trip to Washington DC, where I spent more time with David Baker and also met Sean.
11.  Bollywood parties at our place - Some of the Indian  boys in those movies are so cute!
12.  Missionaries in the area are persistent, so we share our church concerns with them, dumping it all on them without filtering for their sake.  Missionaries sit dumbfounded with deer in headlights look on their faces, not knowing how to respond.  As I go off on church history concerns, missionaries no doubt confuse cognitive dissonance for "spirit of Satan" and suddenly need to leave for "another appointment".
13. Bishop and First Counselor pay a visit to our home.  We anticipated a visit expressing concern for our eternal welfare, instead they do not express any interest in our concerns or in attempting to resolve them, but rather wish to "protect the good name of the church".  They just want to make sure we aren't part of an organized anti-Mormon group trying to take down the church.  We feel  they certainly overestimate our influence and they leave reassured that we aren't systematically trying to take the church down.  We feel emboldened and empowered after the visit, realizing how little power the church has over us now.
14. Thanksgiving - stayed in Philadelphia, but some minor family drama in Idaho when one of my younger brothers outed me to all the extended family and forced my mom to make a family-wide announcement
15. In response to #11, I emailed the letter I wrote for my parents to all the adults on that side of the family so they  would know I am not ashamed and to let them know I am up for a dialogue on the topic.
16. Hanukkah - Jewish boys can be so cute.

Party Invitation

By Mister Curie

National Coming Out Day is quickly approaching (October 11) and Philadelphia has the world's largest "National Coming Out Day" event, known as "Outfest!"  Essentially it is a huge gay block party in the Philadelphia gayborhood.  It is being held on Sunday, October 10th, from noon-7pm.  You are all now officially invited to attend.  Madame Curie and I are intending to go and we'd love to have some friends join us.  Let us know if you are interested. You can get more details from the website.

Came out to my family - short version

By Mister Curie

Just wanted to let everyone know that we came out to my family last night and it went better than expected. Madame Curie and I met together with my parents first and told them in person, then gave them the letter and an autographed copy of "No More Goodbyes" and "Now That You Know". Then I met individually with each of my siblings and told them. The whole process took about 5 hours. I think the church disaffection is the hardest aspect for my mom. The gay thing is hardest for each of my brothers. But each conversation ended with expressions of love on both sides and hugs. Everyone seemed grateful that we wanted to be honest and open, which I think made it easier. I know there is a lot of processing that will need to go on for each person now, but I'm really grateful that their initial reaction was they ability to look beyond their Mormon mindset and see us as the people they have always known us to be and to express their love.

Thanks everyone for your support. It made it much easier knowing you were all rooting for us.  I read the blog comments on my previous post several times throughout the day to give me the courage to tell them. And the personal texts from some of you were also very encouraging.

I'll write up a longer version at some point, but I wanted to let you know it went well.

D Day

By Mister Curie

So, the plan is to come out to my family sometime today about being disaffected from the church and being gay, in person.  Wish me luck!

I'll return and report.

Coming Out to My Family Revisted, Again

By Mister Curie

The disaffection coming out approach I previously proposed in my post "Coming Out to My Family Revisted" was given a trial run with the arrival of my aunt and uncle, as I described in the post "Hiding", this is actually the approach we took in our own home when some relatives came to visit for a couple of days. I think that having experienced this type of approach, we didn't find that it actually worked that well for us. We felt uncomfortable wondering when/if they were going to notice our lack of orthodoxy or orthopraxy. Ultimately we don't think they noticed anything, but that is also part of the problem if we view this as a step toward coming out. Most recently we have decided to announce to my family before we arrive that we are no longer believing and while I trend toward avoiding challenging the orthopraxy, having had this uncomfortable experience the last couple of days, it may be best to drop all pretenses.  Returning to the closet about disaffection was not a pleasant experience and I'm not sure that I want to do it again with regards to disaffection or being gay when we go out to visit. With the energy of outing myself regarding my disaffection and the relief I feel at being able to be open and honest, I think I will probably out myself regarding being gay at the same time to try and get it all out in the open.  I have worked on a letter that I intend to email them shortly before we go out to visit.  I would love to receive any comments and suggestions from others.  I will also admit that I have taken some particularly clever phrases from Chris because his statements resonated so well with me.   What do you think?  Is it too much to drop it all at once on my parents?

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Dear Mom and Dad,

First and foremost, I want to thank you for all of the love and support you have given me. I appreciate your efforts to raise me properly and teach me correct principles, such as honesty, integrity, love, service to my fellow man, etc. I have many wonderful memories from my childhood and your efforts have helped me to become the man I am today.  I know that you did your best in your parenting efforts and sacrificed much on my behalf.  Being a parent now myself, I am beginning to understand the great challenge of being a parent, with all of its joys, triumphs, difficulties, and heartbreaks.

Writing this letter is one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  I wanted to write so that I could get the wording perfect, but still I struggle to find the right words to convey my thoughts and feelings in the spirit of love and respect that they are intended.  I suspect that this letter ranks high on the list of letters that parents want least to receive.  In writing this letter I am attempting to exemplify the principles of honesty and integrity that you instilled in me.  I am not sure if you have noticed the increasing sense of separation between us over the past year.  Our phone calls have become less frequent and I have been more and more at a loss as to what to say during the conversations we have had.  I have been on a personal journey that I wasn’t sure you wanted to know about.  However, I am accustomed to being honest with you and so I am compelled to share these parts of myself with you, despite the pain I fear it may cause.  I hope that sharing this will lead to further understanding and love between us.

The past year has been a challenging one for Madame Curie and me in many ways. Circumstances and our scientific minds have compelled us to begin questioning all of our previous assumptions about life. I think that such a process is a natural part of growing up and taking responsibility. Madame Curie and I have been on separate, but similar journeys that have been both fascinating and overwhelming.  You may recall some of the beginnings of Madame Curie’s journey as she blogged her questions on her “_______________” blog. Our questioning led us doubt the very foundation of our testimonies.

Speaking for myself, I had always believed the church was true. I assumed it was true. I had always trusted my leaders and friends that the church was true. I felt wonderful, positive feelings that I had been taught were the Holy Ghost that confirmed to me the church was true. In fact, I thought that I knew the church was true and I lived my life accordingly, exhibiting all seriousness and diligence in attempting to serve the Lord. Because so much of what I am was wrapped up in the church, I assure you that I have not taken my questioning lightly. I have always believed the Prophet Joseph Smith’s statement that “Mormonism is truth; and every man who embraces it feels himself at liberty to embrace every truth” and I moved forward believing that all truths I discovered could only strengthen my testimony.

We do feel like our questioning has drawn us closer to truth, but we admit that it has pulled us away from the church. Many of the prior inconsistencies we struggled with disappeared and made more sense when we no longer assumed the church was true. Additionally, much of what we have found in our questioning has been inconsistent with what we believed about the church. We would be happy to continue living the life we had as believing members of the church, a life which has brought us a lot of joy, if we could still believe in the church we thought we were members of, but we cannot. Currently Madame Curie and I are not in the same place as regards faith, but we are patiently working through those differences.  We continue to question our prior and current assumptions. I assume it is a journey that we will travel for the rest of our lives, hoping to draw ever closer to truth. In many ways it is exciting and liberating to no longer think I (or even necessarily anyone else) have all the answers, if such answers even exist. I think that is part of the scientist in me.

Our changes in belief do not change who we are at our cores.  This does not change our love for you, each other, Le Petite Curie, or any other members of the family.   We do not wish to hurt anyone else’s relationship with the church and we do not intend to do anything to try and hurt the church.  We intend to raise Le Petite Curie and instill in him the same core principles of goodness that you raised me with.  We believe the church is largely a force of goodness in the world and that its members are sincere in their beliefs and righteous desires, although we no longer hold those same beliefs.

Our journey has been further complicated by the fact that as I was able to let go of my belief in the church, I have finally been able to accept that I am physically attracted to men.  I am gay.  In retrospect, I realize that I have experienced these feelings for the same gender since childhood. There are many reasons why it has taken me so long to acknowledge them, however. On one hand, the feelings came so naturally that there didn’t seem to be anything to notice or acknowledge, much like we rarely notice when we are breathing. On the other hand, the things I heard about homosexuality in church were in direct contradiction to what I experienced. President Spencer W. Kimball wrote in his book, The Miracle of Forgiveness, about homosexuality: “This perversion is defined as the sexual desire for those of the same sex or sexual relations between individuals of the same sex, whether men or women. It is the sin of the ages.” And later he uses these adjectives to describe homosexuality: repugnant, deviant, unnatural, abominable, evil, ugly, and curable. I did not feel that those statements could possibly apply to me, so I obviously couldn’t be homosexual. I was also taught that homosexuality was a choice, and I knew that I had not consciously chosen to have these feelings. In Junior High I began to notice a disparity between my own and my friends’ interests in girls. I had also begun to internalize the messages from church about homosexuals and so I labeled my growing attractions to the male body as temptations from Satan, thus externalizing the experience. I regularly prayed long, tearful prayers, asking Heavenly Father to help me overcome these temptations and to forgive me for them.  I strove to live the gospel with exactness so that I could qualify for God’ help in overcoming these attractions.

It was only upon questioning my prior assumptions that I was able to acknowledge that my feelings of attraction toward men are not external temptations, but rather that they originate from inside me. They are not something that I believe can or needs to be changed. The exact causes of homosexuality are currently unknown and I think it is fruitless to speculate too long on potential causes.  I do not think that my attractions to men are because of anything you have or have not done.  They were not taught to me or learned from someone else.

Perhaps it is important to dispel some misperceptions at this point.  Admitting that I am gay does not mean that I am promiscuous. It does not mean that I have had physical relationships with men before Madame Curie and I were married or after. It does not mean that I cross-dress. It does not mean that Madame Curie and I are splitting up, or that I love her or Le Petite Curie any less. It does not mean that I am attracted to children or should be considered unsafe around children.  It does not mean that I am any other person than the son that you have known all these years.

This admission of homosexuality naturally raises some questions about my current family. Madame Curie and I are very happy together and love each other very much. As I’m sure you have noticed, we are made for each other. We connect on many levels, including intellectually and emotionally. Our marriage is (and has been) an expression of our sincere love for each other and has not been false in any way. Even without infidelities, acknowledging my homosexuality naturally introduces some challenges into our relationship and we are working through those with the help of a qualified therapist. Additionally, we have found a support network among other gay and married couples (many of whom are LDS). And with our intellectual inclinations, we are also delving into the scientific literature. We have every intention of staying together and making our marriage work. Many marriages face difficult challenges, this one just happens to be one such challenge that our marriage faces.

I know this information may be overwhelming and come as a surprise and a shock. I understand all too well that it may be painful. I hope that it will lead to further understanding and love between us. I am sure you have a lot of questions.  We are happy to answer any questions that you may have.  I am sure that you will have new questions in the future.  I will always be happy to try and answer them to help facilitate understanding between us.  I am the same person that I was before, but now I am sharing another part of myself with you. I am also bringing some books for you that I hope will be helpful. I hope you will read them and discuss them with me.

I love you very much and I look forward to our visit!

Love,

Mister Curie

Coming Out to Family Revisited

By Mister Curie

I previously blogged about coming out to my family about my disaffection and/or my homosexuality.  Horizon?  We are now scheduled to visit my family at the end of the month, so the questions of whether or not to come out and whether to come out about both or a single issue (and which, if just a single issue) are looming larger.  Reading over my pros and cons from the first time I blogged about this question, it is a bit humorous to see some of my thoughts.  I think I have gotten somewhat more comfortable about both my disaffection and my homosexuality, although I'm sure there is still room to go.  I think the main reason for coming out is so that we can be ourselves without worrying about someone finding out our secrets.  We want to be able to not hide who we are.  Of course, we also want to be accepted for where we are on our journey, but its much harder to ensure acceptance when coming out.  And, as I recently posted, there is fear that we will lose support and love from those we love most.

We have gone back and forth over the different scenarios and options, considering everything from completely closeting ourselves and putting back on our garments for the visit to straight-forwardly announcing the news of our disaffection and homosexuality.  I think we have decided on a middle-ground and will view this trip as laying the groundwork for a future "coming out".  The current plan is to remain true to ourselves, but without attempting to challenge their belief system.  So we will not be putting back on our garments, but we will wear temple-garment compatible clothing in their presence (this one is hardest for Madame Curie who would love to enjoy the summer visit in a tank-top and is loathe to put on a regular T-shirt).  We will also avoid Word of Wisdom infractions in their presence, although I suspect there will be several clandestine visits to Starbucks while we are there.  However, if we are questioned about our underwear or our unorthodoxy, we will admit to current questions and struggles.  If we are asked a direct question, we will respond with as direct an answer.  They also know that Madame Curie is planning on attending the Sunstone conference, but we aren't sure if they know what Sunstone is or not.  Thus, we do not have plans to formally come out about our disaffection, but recognize that it is a distinct possibility that we may be questioned while we are there.  It is less likely that there will be any questioning as to my sexual orientation, but as our marital relationship remains intact, there isn't a pressing need for them to know about it.

What do you think?  Are we kidding ourselves and should be more formally prepared for a coming out about our disaffection during the visit?  Are we just delaying the inevitable and making things worse?  Do you think we are just chickening out because the visit is getting so close and we are responding to our fear of potential loss? 

GLBTQ Encyclopedia: Coming Out to Oneself

By Mister Curie

The GLBTQ Encyclopedia has an interesting observation on when a gay or lesbian is most likely to admit their homosexuality to themselves.  It states:

Women repress their homosexuality more than do gay men. Though they may engage in homosexual activity, gay men often do not label themselves as gay until they fall in love with another man, whereas women tend to discover their lesbianism when they experience sexual desire for another woman. The crisis of identity felt by gay men in heterosexual marriages usually occurs when they become emotionally involved with another man as opposed to merely engaging in homosexual sex.

I thought this was an interesting observation and entirely counter-intuitive.  We are raised with the stereotypes that all a man thinks about is sex and that women are primarily interested in emotions.  Perhaps that is why some men are able to compartmentalize and have sex with other men without believing they are homosexual.  It only being an emotional attachment that suddenly convinces them that they are gay because it is so out of the ordinary.  Likewise, a woman who feels lots of emotional attachment to other women may not recognize her lesbianism until she feels unmistakable physical attraction for another woman, again because it goes so far against the cultural norm.

Given this information, there are probably several times I should have recognized that I was gay.  Perhaps most obvious in retrospect was one of my mission companionship.  My relationship with my mission companion had as much of an emotional component as a physical component and my mission journal contains some surprisingly candid observations about my feelings for my companion.  But the mission was probably also the least safe time emotionally for me to be able to recognize my homosexuality, with such a personal price of public humiliation and the dedication I felt toward exact obedience to the church.

Suggestions Sought: Coming Out to Family

By Mister Curie

I have had several positive and affirming coming out experiences, including to my brother. I am now beginning to contemplate the best way to come out to my family so that it can be as positive an experience as possible. I would love some suggestions.

Here is the situation. We live far from the majority of my family and only visit once a year for 10-14 days, during which time we stay nearly exclusively at my parent's house. This trip typically occurs during the summer. Coming out is complicated by having two different issues to come out about: church disaffection and homosexuality.

Here are the pros and cons I have thought of so far for some of these parameters:

Coming out about both vs. only one issue

Pros for coming out about both:
complete honesty
get it over at one time
live authentically
overall response may be less protracted

Cons for coming out about both:
may confuse the two issues together
supports stereotype that homosexuality is sinful
might fail in making parents more understanding of homosexuals in general
minimizes my other issues with the church (which were not initially related to homosexuality and were sufficient to destroy my testimony without homosexuality being an issue)
response is likely to be stronger (if ultimately less protracted)

If choosing an issue: Church vs. Homosexuality

Pros for coming out about Church:
Follows time-line of my journey (this was the issue first)
Intellect and facts are on my side
If parents reject me over this issue, I can channel my frustration at the church

Pros for coming out about Homosexuality:
I think my parents would be more accepting of my homosexuality than disaffection
Disaffection may be more understandable coming from the perspective that I'm gay
Homosexuality can be seen as an innate quality, rather than a choice (such as drinking tea)
Wife and son would probably get sympathy and support

Cons for coming out about Church:
May make parents later think that homosexuality stemmed from Satan and sin
I think the response would be less favorable than for homosexuality
May estrange wife and son from my family
Blame may be placed on my wife

Cons for coming out about Homosexuality:
If rejected over homosexuality, I will feel like it is more of a personal rejection

Coming Out before visit vs. during visit

Pros for before visit:
If rejected, can save money by not purchasing plane tickets until we know response
less time hiding and more time feeling authentic
written letter will allow me to fully express thoughts without getting lost in emotional responses
things won't be as awkward if parents have time to process before we visit

Pros for during visit:
Will immediately have time in person to show I am the same person and rebuild relationship
More personal and intimate

If during visit: at beginning vs end of visit

Pros for beginning:
More time to show I am same person and to rebuild relationship
more time being authentic and less time hiding

Pros for end:
If bad response, won't be stuck with no place to stay
Less time for things to be awkward

What do you think? What considerations am I neglecting?

Out Update III

By Mister Curie

In my last update, I wrote:

I received an email from one of the directors of my school program
saying she wanted to set up a routine meeting to discuss my progress in the
program. I have known she is lesbian for some time and did a quick LGBTQ search
on the university webpage to confirm that she is listed as a "safe" person to
discuss LGBT issues with. I sent her an email today outing myself and setting up
an interview for this coming Friday.

It is now that Friday.

The program director and I had a great discussion for nearly an hour today. It was such an affirming experience! It felt great to be able to discuss both my homosexuality and my disaffection with the church. She was very supportive and knew all the right things to say. I am so glad all of my out experiences have been positive so far!

Out Update II

By Mister Curie

It has been a big weekend.

Last Friday we met with a couple from our ward who has been aware of our disaffection and aware of our blog (although they rarely check it). When I started writing about my homosexuality I fully anticipated they would know about it through our blog. We finally sat down with them in real life and discussed being homosexual. I think the evening went well. It's nice to have supportive friends.

We also had another friend, a former member of our ward, find out about our blog and discover both our dissaffection and homosexuality. He responded remarkably well.

Finally, last Friday I received an email from one of the directors of my school program saying she wanted to set up a routine meeting to discuss my progress in the program. I have known she is lesbian for some time and did a quick LGBTQ search on the university webpage to confirm that she is listed as a "safe" person to discuss LGBT issues with. I sent her an email today outing myself and setting up an interview for this coming Friday.

Big weekend.

Out Update

by Mister Curie

***Out Update: My brother (not TBM) who is aware of this blog contacted me last night on Facebook. It was great to come out to him as me and not as Mister Curie. He says that his wife knew I was gay too. WTF?!?! What is it with these gaydars? We had a nice discussion and it was a really positive experience. It definately increases the liklihood that I will come out to more people. I really appreciated him letting me know that he had read the posts - it made it so much less awkward knowing that he already knew from the blog.

Now, back to the regularly scheduled programing . . .***