By Madame Curie
I've been having a really sad time as of late. Days of just feeling like the world as I know it is ending. Most of the time, I can't really put a finger on why. But last night, I tied the pieces together and it makes much more sense.
I feel like there are two lovers inside me. Part of me loves my husband so much, that I just want him to be happy no matter what. If that meant leaving me for a man he loves, then I would support that. I want him to be happy as I am happy, to have a full and meaningful marriage with another as I do. The other half of me clings to him. I don't want him to go. I want him to find me "enough" for his happiness, to find happiness in me as I have in him. Its a selfish love, but I don't think its illogical.
I knew who I was entering our marriage. I was under no false impressions of my own sexuality. Yes, I was still closeted in terms of being an "out" lesbian - but I was and am sincerely attracted to my husband, in every bit as full and complete of a way as I was attracted to my high school girlfriend. The disgust that I felt towards men did not apply to him. He was (and is) my perfect exception.
However, Mister C didn't know who he was. He was gay, and didn't accept it. He's only accepting it now. What does it mean that we entered the marriage on unequal footing? I knew and was confident in who I was and am... but he didn't know himself. While I encourage him to figure himself out, at the same time I war within myself at what he will find. I've felt revulsion towards men before. I don't want him to feel that towards me.
How do I deal?