Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Lost and confused!

By Madame Curie

I've been having a really sad time as of late. Days of just feeling like the world as I know it is ending. Most of the time, I can't really put a finger on why. But last night, I tied the pieces together and it makes much more sense.

I feel like there are two lovers inside me. Part of me loves my husband so much, that I just want him to be happy no matter what. If that meant leaving me for a man he loves, then I would support that. I want him to be happy as I am happy, to have a full and meaningful marriage with another as I do. The other half of me clings to him. I don't want him to go. I want him to find me "enough" for his happiness, to find happiness in me as I have in him. Its a selfish love, but I don't think its illogical.

I knew who I was entering our marriage. I was under no false impressions of my own sexuality. Yes, I was still closeted in terms of being an "out" lesbian - but I was and am sincerely attracted to my husband, in every bit as full and complete of a way as I was attracted to my high school girlfriend. The disgust that I felt towards men did not apply to him. He was (and is) my perfect exception.

However, Mister C didn't know who he was. He was gay, and didn't accept it. He's only accepting it now. What does it mean that we entered the marriage on unequal footing? I knew and was confident in who I was and am... but he didn't know himself. While I encourage him to figure himself out, at the same time I war within myself at what he will find. I've felt revulsion towards men before. I don't want him to feel that towards me.

How do I deal?


  1. I hope I'm not sharing anything I'm not supposed to here... I don't think I am.

    Sarah has two friends, lesbians, who were dating until recently, when Sarah heard (through the grapevine) that they had broken up. She saw them together, without any apparent tension or discomfort, the day after she had heard the news. She was confused.

    "I thought you guys broke up."

    "Just because we broke up doesn't mean we can't still be friends."

    Sarah and I went to a therapist last week, a day or two after this had happened, and she shared this story with the therapist. A few minutes later we were talking about our possible futures and Sarah spoke of how much she didn't want to give me up.

    The therapist wondered if she believed that we would stop being friends, or if she believed that she would ever actually need to "give me up"--and she brought up the story of the lesbian couple, indicating that Sarah might have noted it, and mentioned it, for a reason.

    This wasn't quite what Sarah wanted to hear--she doesn't want to be my friend, she wants us to always have what we currently have.

    We didn't get much further than that, and I think that we have an obstacle to overcome, in that Sarah can't completely understand my position. She has the love of her life, and if he doesn't quite love her back in the way she would like him to, she's willing to live with that. She can't completely understand what it might be like to be missing that.

    You might be better able to understand Mister Curie's position. Maybe that will make it easier for you to let him go, if the two of you decide that that's the right thing to do.

    I don't know if I've said anything that's helped at all... Just some thoughts that came to mind as I read your post. It's not an ideal situation we find ourselves in, is it? :)

  2. I'm curious as to how much you think your other divergent paths are also influencing this state of unease. With Mister, as I recall, pursuing a demanding professional degree, are you also feeling left behing there? Also, it seems while you are both disaffected, the paths the two of you have taken are at least parallel with Mister retaining his cultural identity as LDS and active status with the LDS church and you reestablishing your Catholic cultural identity and not maintaining an active status in the LDS church. Do you fear a replacement factor on more levels than just Mister's sexual identity exploration?

  3. This is such a poignant post.

    My comment is this: the "selfish" part of you isn't really selfish; it's normal and right for your body and soul to desire your beloved and defend fiercely against any possible loss. People have fought wars and trekked through deserts for this. People commit crimes of passion for this, and sometimes the jury won't even convict. It is an unbelievably powerful and deep-seated source of human motivation. But, it's also unbelievably painful. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

    No one can ease these fears or advise you on how to proceed. Those who love you can hold your hand and be with you, but ultimately you and the one you love must navigate this as a couple, perhaps with a neutral, professional facilitator of some kind. Along the way I hope you can cling together and be each other's source of support.

    Good luck to you both. I really respect the thoughtful, loving way you are dealing with this. You both strike me as people of great integrity.

    (I'm really looking forward to meeting you and Mr. C. in person!)

  4. I haven't anything profound to add, so I'll just send some validation your way. It would seem more than appropriate to not want to lose Senor Curie, even as you want him to be happy and fulfilled. I imagine he would feel exactly the same way were you the one just now discovering this aspect of yourself.

    As for dealing, you can't go wrong by acknowledging as valid all of your conflicting thoughts and emotions. They'll work themselves out much more easily if you don't torture yourself with ideas of how you think you "should" feel. Just as you are encouraging Senor Curie to explore and accept all of his feelings, be sure to allow yourself the same freedom.

  5. From what I have seen, it appears that both of you want to remain together. Don't let anyone define what is right or wrong for you. It is your marriage. You both seem pretty remarkable to me.

  6. I don't have answers or advice, just some observations.

    You and Mister Curie are amazing human beings. You've both been dealing with some heart-wrenching realizations in your lives--individually and together. The fact you can both articulate your feelings so well is a wonderful thing which will help you enormously as you work through what all of this means and what happens next. Most people don't even have the vocabulary to discuss the things you're working through.

    The two of you care about each other, you're compatible, you're people of integrity and genuine love. The pain and anxiety are real and you do yourself credit by allowing yourself to feel the range of emotions you've been confronting. While there may be some confusion, you're certainly not lost.

    You and your family are very much in my thoughts.

  7. I love how you are giving him space to find himself. I want to give you a great big hug! I agree with Quiet Song: there's so much happening in your life right now, so many things to feel unsettled about. Don't push things--just let them unfold!

  8. The post says alot of things that I feel also. I do not have a way with words but you hit the nail on the head.

    I understand the two sides so well. I push my husband away sometimes because I feel like I can never be enough for him even though he tells me I am. Then I pull him back and I am so clingy. Most days I find a happy medium but there are push days and pull days.

    Thank you for the post - it gives me another view that I don't always want to look at.

  9. I also agree with Bravone's comment.