While probably ultimately unproductive, I sometimes like to muse about "What if . . ." scenarios.
What if I had never gotten married? Where would I be now?
As I wrote in a previous post about the path my life was on in college after my mission:
I decided I was going to apply for medical school and resigned myself to the probability that I was not going to be married for a long time. I hadn't found a girl in my several years at BYU, wasn't interested in dating, and knew that once in medical school I would bury myself in my studies and continue to avoid pursuing a relationship with girls. It didn't bother me, it just was.If not for that magical summer meeting my wife, my life probably would have continued on exactly that predicted path.
I imagine would have studied hard for my final year at BYU, not dating anyone. I would have gone off to medical school and buried myself in my studies, still not dating anyone. However, I would no longer be under the rigid BYU Honor Code and living in constant fear that curiosity about my sexuality (such as through the exploration of pornography) would instantly be catalogued and reported to the University, resulting in disciplinary action and expulsion. I would probably have started looking more at pornography and quickly revealed/accepted my preference for the male body. Perhaps under the liberal and LGBT-friendly environment of my medical school, I could have begun to accept myself. I may have attended some events for those questioning their sexuality. I would likely then be in the conflicted spot so many MoHos find themselves in, attempting to reconcile their sexuality with the teachings of the church. That conflict may have been enough to keep me in denial as to my sexuality, but eventually I think it would have given way to an acceptance of my homosexuality. Perhaps that conflict would have led to disaffection with the church, as is frequently the case. Perhaps I would have tried to accept lifelong celibacy. Perhaps I would have decided to date, but keep the gay Mormon law of chastity. If so, I suspect I would have fallen into what I would have believed to be sin (if I could hardly keep my libido in check with my wife when we were counting down the days until we could express our sexuality with approval, what would have happened with a man when I had no foreseeable date release to the sexual energy with approval?). I may have been filled with self-loathing. I may have attempted suicide. I hope that I would have accepted myself and found happiness and joy in being authentic.