By Mister Curie
So, Original Mohomie asked it first, but I've had this post in the queue waiting for the right moment to ask, I guess this is as good a time as any.
My wife and I have called it a "mixed-orienation marriage squared". A poster recently referred to it as a "mutually mismatched orientation marriage." Either way, it means that a gay man is married to a lesbian. I have tried to find information about others in our situation, but to no avail. Perhaps someone else knows the term for the relationship my wife and I share so that we can find others who are also in it.
Madam Curie claims that she always secretly wished she could be married to a gay man. She says that she is more attracted to me knowing that I am gay. From comments on our blog and from a thread on AfterElton.com, there is also apparently a fetish among at least some lesbians for gay guy-guy porn. So, surely we are not the only couple where a gay man is married to a lesbian, and perhaps lesbians even search out for a gay man to marry. However, I am not able to find any evidence for it.
In searching, I came across a news article about a gay man and a lesbian who got married, but it was only for 55 hours and as a protest that gays and lesbians are not allowed to have same sex marriages.
I also came across a site designed for Jewish Lesbians, but while the site claimed it occasionally received requests from gay men seeking a lesbian spouse, it denied ever receiving such a request from a lesbian.
So, does anyone know where we can find support materials for a gay man married to a lesbian, whatever such a marriage is called?
No, Original Mohomie, we don't call it "doomed".
Accepting Changing and Ending Relationships
2 years ago
Ha, I had no idea. That's fun. I actually was going to go into the proposition some have made that this kind of marriage is actually perfect, but it just seemed to distract from the main question. Of course, the comment is made mostly jokingly, like, "If you like men, maybe a manly woman would do the trick, so you should marry a lesbian!" to which I smile, shake my head, and reply, "a) lesbians are not necessarily 'manly', and b) trust me, it doesn't work that way." But some have insisted that seriously, it could work out great because neither one would feel necessarily more attracted than the other, and each could understand somewhat where the other is coming from, which could overcome some of what could otherwise be inherent distance. *shrug* I dunno. But I'm glad I've now found your blog!
ReplyDeleteWe gotta come up with better names for our marriages. Maybe I'll ask for suggestions in High Priest Group meeting Sunday.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with you that it is helpful for us that we both have an inkling of the other person's experiences. But we don't fit the stereotype of a masculine woman or an effeminate man. And you are right, it doesn't really work like that anyways.
ReplyDeleteWe're glad you found our blog too! :)
There was the case of Rudolf Valentino and Natacha Rambova, although these days Valentino's sexuality is in dispute.
ReplyDeleteAs I wrote earlier, I think your situation might be easier than a regular mixed-orientation marriage.
I'll be in NYC for the next 10 days if you want to have lunch. E-mail me (addr on blog profile) if you're close enough and are interested. I'd also be interested in meeting Madame C.
@OMoHomie- Your logic makes a lot of sense in terms of why you would think it definitely wouldn't work. Sorry I over-reacted earlier. Mr. C and I had just spent several hours discussing what we would do in our marital "worst case scenario," and what we could do to avoid said scenario, and that in the middle of that he read your blog post to me, and so I flipped. It was seriously just bad timing.
ReplyDeleteAnd, you are right - its an issue of anatomy, not masculinity/ femininity. I'm not butch and Mr C isn't effeminate. But I guess I have to admit that I have a thing going for gay guys, and I find male gay sex sexy. Its apparantly a little-known fetish that some lesbians have, including me.
@Bravone- Let me know how that goes for you ;-)
@MoHoHawaii- As I wrote earlier, I think your situation might be easier than a regular mixed-orientation marriage.
I agree. I emotionally "get" where he is coming from, PLUS I have the added benefit of being primarily emotion-driven sexually. As in, if the emotion isn't there, the physical ain't never being there... And if the emotional IS there, then I could probably get turned on by a deeply moving sonata as well as anything.
Mr C and I are emotionally and intellectually soul-mates, which makes the physical attraction natural for me. He is my one, perfect exception. So, I understand where he is coming from as a homosexual, am turned on by the thought of him being with a man, and totally dig him emotionally. For me at least, its all a win-win.
I'll be in NYC for the next 10 days if you want to have lunch. E-mail me (addr on blog profile) if you're close enough and are interested. I'd also be interested in meeting Madame C.
We are discussing the logistics of it, but it is very doable if we can figure out a date. I'll let Mr C work out the details with you.
My suspicion (like MoHoHawaii's) is that it would be easier to make a MMOM work than a MOM.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, both partners are essentially making an equal and opposite effort/sacrifice for the marriage, so it's easier to empathize with each other.
Secondly, the particular type of emotional investment that the two partners are putting into the relationship (and expecting to get in return) is more likely to match in a MMOM -- so it's more likely you're on the same page w.r.t. what you want from the marriage.
Not everyone needs to have a pair-bonded/nesting type relationship in order to be happy. Many studies have shown that single women are happier than married women, so it's clear that there's some real flexibility in terms of human relationship needs.
The painful stories I've read from mixed-orientation-marriages have all centered around the mismatch between each partner's emotional investment (and expected emotional return) in the relationship. The straight wife is pair-bonded to the husband and needs him to return that type of emotional bond. The gay husband loves and cares about his wife, but can't return the type of emotional bond his wife expects of him, and can't help but pine for that type of emotional bonding with someone else (a man). Eventually, the husband grows to resent his wife both for keeping him from the relationship he needs and because she constantly reminds him of the emotional connection he was supposed to give her but can't (while she and the rest of society blame him and make him feel inadequate). This rejection-cum-resentment is horrifically painful to the wife since it comes from her one true love -- the person that she devoted her life, her body, and her love to.
I'm not saying this happens in every case of MOM, but it is sometimes the result.
With a MMOM, you don't have this same dissonance between the two partners' needs and expectations from the marriage. The marriage may succeed or fail in the long run, but there's no reason to expect quite the same type of emotional conflict that often comes up in MOMs.
CLH and I think similarly on this. The biggest stress in the MOMs I've seen is the sense of rejection felt by the straight spouse in spite of the sincere but platonic affection given by the gay spouse. I think that this imbalance would not exist in a MMOM.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting comments from CL Hanson and MoHoHawaii, I think you both are very insightful. We also appreciate the positive comments about our relationship and the hope they provide. :) Thanks!
ReplyDeleteThe Other Side of the Closet is a book by Amity Pierce Buxton, considered by many to be the foremost authority in the nation (world?) on mixed-orientation marriage. It contains the stories of quite a few MOM couples, and it's quite a depressing read if you're in a MOM and want/intend to stay together, because it certainly doesn't offer much in the way of hope.
ReplyDeleteIf I remember correctly, though, there was at least one couple in the book that was a gay-man/lesbian couple. I read the book before I even came out to Sarah, so it's been quite a while and I don't remember the specifics.
Anyway, you might want to check it out if you want to read someone else's story.
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I think I agree with MoHoHawaii and C.L.Hanson that a MMOM might have a better chance of success than a MOM, simply because there's more balance.
It's interesting how MoHoHawaii worded it, though... He said that "The biggest stress in the MOMs I've seen is the sense of rejection felt by the straight spouse in spite of the sincere but platonic affection given by the gay spouse." This phrasing suggests that the imbalance favors the gay spouse, since he receives a full measure of love and affection but is unable to return it.
On the other hand, the straight spouse gets to experience attraction and romantic love in a way that the gay spouse can't.
So in a sense, I guess it's a "balanced imbalance"... but an imbalance all the same. And one that would be leveled out in a MMOM (it would seem).