Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Suggestions Sought: Embracing Homosexuality

By Mister Curie

I have a wonderful Mixed-Orientation marriage and love my wife. At the same time I accept that I am a Kinsey 5 homosexual (acknowledging that sexuality is fluid and that it may change over time in either direction, although most men who have repressed their sexuality have it more toward the homosexual spectrum as they come to accept it, rather than the other way around).

My question is how can I accept and express my homosexuality within the wonderful MOM that I have without hurting the MOM and yet be true to myself?

Currently, "expressing my homosexuality" consists of blogging about homosexuality, watching GLBT themed movies, telling my wife about my crushes or guys that I find attractive, coming out to people in real life, and my wife once arranged for us to have a couples massage together with a male massage therapist.

For my readers, married or not, how do you embrace and express your homosexuality?


  1. Sounds like you are already doing a lot to express your homosexuality. And you seem to have a very understanding and supportive wife. (I once pointed out a cute waiter in a restaurant to my wife - and it didn't go well at all.)

    However, asking the question suggests that it is not enough. Maybe you need some gay friends to hang out with on occasion.

    There is also the corollary question: SHOULD those of us who are married be expressing our homosexuality? Why or why not?

    Perhaps finding an answer to that question might lead you to answers for the other question. (did that make sense?)

  2. Things that I do:

    * Read MoHo blogs

    * Read just plain old "Ho" blogs (blogs relating to gay-rights issues, gay-relationship issues, stuff like that)

    * Keep my own MoHo blog

    * Befriend lots of gay guys, Mormon and otherwise, on Facebook, on various mailing lists and discussion groups, and in real life

    * Have lots of gay guys over, at least monthly to a regularly-scheduled "MoHo Party", but usually more frequently for dinner, movies, whatever.

    * Occasionally hang out with gay guys, in the form of group activities (a group for gay dads, a group for gay men in general that emphasizes fun without drugs/alcohol, etc.) as well as occasional "lunch dates" (which my wife is always aware of--usually before the fact, though not always--and which are nearly always with people who she has met and who she considers friends)

    * Embrace and enjoy my attractions (as opposed to "suppress them", which is what many try to do)

    * Talk to my wife about my attractions ("that waiter is hot!")

    * Experience married-man-appropriate (by our definition, at least) physical contact with other men in the form of innocent "cuddling" (sitting close, arm around shoulder, hand on knee), always while my wife is present and always with good friends who we both trust.

    * Experience appropriate physical contact with other men in the form of haircuts (shampoo & condition = very pleasant scalp massage from hot stylist) and massage from professionals.

    * Watch gay-themed movies and TV shows

    * Involve myself somewhat in gay-rights-related issues by participating in regular in-person discussion forums with members of the GLBT and LDS communities

    Note that nearly all of these activities include Sarah's participation, and that she enjoys them as much as I do. She loves our friends as much as I do, and loves their company as much as I do. Those activities that don't involve her (massage, etc.) are ones that we have both decided are okay, after we both fretted over issues of propriety, comfort, etc.

    Hope this helps?

  3. Abelard - I am very lucky to have such an understanding and supportive wife. She has been very encouraging. As far as what I have been doing to express my homosexuality and whether it is enough, I guess I have enjoyed what I have done so far to express my homosexuality and it gives me desire to "taste" a little more. I guess I want to make sure that if others have come up with great ways to embrace their homosexuality that are healthy and non-threatening to the MOM, I don't want to miss out on them.
    Hanging out with some gay friends could be a lot of fun (I think I'd prefer MoHos right now, since they will understand where I am coming from, but would consider non-mormon Hos). I tried contacting Affirmation to see if they have any activities in the area, but I haven't heard back from them. I've also considered going to a GAMMA meeting, but I'm unsure of their philosophy for supporting gay married men.

    Should we be expressing our homosexuality - that is a good question. One I will have to think about. I think, on some level, yes - because it is accepting and celebrating who I am. I don't want to shove myself back in the closet. I guess the question is whether that will ultimately threaten my MOM.

    Scott - those are some great ideas. I appreciate you sharing. Definitely sounds like a next step for me is to find some gay friends to hang out with occasionally.

    Anyone on the East Coast want to hang out?

  4. "There is also the corollary question: SHOULD those of us who are married be expressing our homosexuality? Why or why not?"

    That seems to me to be the most important question.

    As an old married man, I would advise any young married man -- gay or straight -- that the relationship with his wife is the most precious thing he has. Permission that is given openly and freely now can be withdrawn retroactively, even years later, and even if you have the permission in WRITING, it will still be your fault.

    As the saying goes, "There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots."

    That saying was written by a married man who believed his wife when she said she didn't want anything special for her birthday. :D


  5. Anyone on the East Coast want to hang out?

    I know people in New York and D.C... (Boston, too, but I assume that might be a bit too far?)

    I don't know how willing you are to travel, but I can put you in touch with them if you're interested.

  6. Scott - Sure. (but you're right, Boston is probably a bit far)